I remember being young and my parents making me and my siblings sit down and say “sorry” if we were fighting or being rotten to one another. There were four Dahir children in our home (of which I am the second child), and of course, I was innocent of all wrongdoing. My older brother George was often causing problems, my younger brother Shane would like to hit you and run, and my little sister was relatively quick with her words and could cut you down and hurt the few feelings exposed. I am happy to say that we are all still close and continue to find ways to gather for family celebrations and watch each of our children grow into adults. One reason for this is that there is a genuine value and concern for each other –and yes, there are still times that, as adults, we get to apply the art of a sincere apology to one another as we still hurt one another at times along the journey. We live in a time when people have difficulty apologizing and forgiving. Many seem to walk around offended and are loaded and waiting for someone to cut them off as they drive, say the wrong thing in conversation, or somehow cross a line that requires a genuine apology. While this need is evident, many lack the understanding and ability to apologize or accept one properly. Here are a few deep thoughts and questions to consider as you approach the words “I am sorry.”

Meaningful Apologies Does one party have to understand or agree with the other party or person to apologize?

If we are honest, we will never understand how another person is hurt or why they are offended. Though the hurt party would like someone to understand, it is impossible because each person has different perspectives, stories, or processing points. If someone is offended by what is said or done, whether purposeful or accidental, apologize. Everyone makes mistakes and says and does things they wish they could take back. Avoid getting stuck believing that an offense is over just because the moment has passed. When valuing others, consider their emotions and feelings that require respect.

What if both parties did or said harmful and destructive things to each other?

When asking for forgiveness and apologizing, it will allow the expression of value to surface and shift the overall depth of an existing relationship. It is difficult to apologize for wrongdoing when the other person has also made mistakes, but remember that being an example of controlled behavior is a leadership position, not a weakness. What if, when apologizing, the offended party says horrible things in response to the apology? Being genuine in an apology is not for the faint of heart. Most people struggle with giving and accepting an apology. The other person was hurt by what was said or actions taken, so there can be an infection similar to a wound that needs attention. Knowing that we control no one but ourselves, let the person say what needs to be said and then simply listen. This approach will give insight into future conversations on fostering a healthy relationship. Clean Apologies When apologizing to someone, here are a few things to avoid.

1. I am sorry for __________________, BUT… This sentence introduction is the typical apology most give, as it is tough to apologize without rationalizing why the destructive actions took place. If one can avoid defending their actions, then the apology can be accepted for what it is. They may ask for an explanation. This way of thinking can tempt a person apologizing to go on the attack. There may be a day to talk about what they did or did not do, but staying focused on a single action when apologizing is wiser. It is okay to say, “There may be reasons that I acted this way, but it is not who I want to be, and it is not how I want to treat you. So for this conversation, I want you to know I am sorry and will work on responding better.”

2. Before apologizing, ensure it is honest and given the correct attention. An apology can quickly sound like a false statement if the one apologizing is tired or distracted. Put the phone away, turn off the TV, and be in private to ensure that there is less possibility of being pulled away. It is better to apologize quickly and avoid letting the offense grow into a more significant situation. However, if a person is not in the right state of mind, it is better to take care of oneself first and revisit the offense.

3. Avoid apologizing over text or email. Take the time needed and communicate in person; that means face-to-face. This request may be complex as some who are offended do not want to do this, but avoiding conflict has more potential to create infection and wound the relationship even more. Thousands of books have been written regarding forgiveness, counselors have job security as individuals learn how to apologize and move on, and many prayers are spoken between the created and their Creator to help people process painful moments. But suppose one has enough courage to start looking into ongoing habits of giving and accepting apologies. In that case, their relationships will grow new fruit, and the heaviness felt from brokenness will begin to release. Stay focused on the prize of living out a life filled with kindness, love, and purpose.